|
Why Modern, Western
Marriage Has Become A Bad Business Decision For Men
This writing seeks to educate men about the realities of
what they may be getting into when they marry a Western Woman. An informed
decision is less likely to be one that may be regretted later in the
marriage. The intent is not to dissuade men from marrying, but to
encourage them to communicate frankly their concerns and expectations
regarding marriage with their potential spouses. The secondary aim of this
essay is to enlighten women to a few of the reasons why
increasingly larger numbers of successful, eligible, unmarried men, who would
otherwise prefer monogamous long-term relationships, are turning their backs
on marriage.
Society typically paints a negative stereotype of men who hesitate, delay,
or elect not to marry.
They are labeled as either:
A) Womanisers who are unable to participate in a long
term relationship, or
B) Selfish, childish or irresponsible men who can not
take care of themselves or another person.
No other explanation is ever explored.
The cost of proclaiming
your undying love
In University, in professional sports, in politics, in the workplace;
women have the same educational and professional career opportunities as
men. Contrary
to commonly believed feminist propaganda, women do indeed get paid the
same salary as men, given
that they are willing to work the same types of jobs as men, and work as many
hours as the men do. Despite this reality,
many women come into marriage with very few assets, and often are saddled
with substantial quantities of debt. In general, men are the ones
who save and invest. Don't believe me? Count the number of women
of marrying age that you know who subscribe to financial services
magazines or newspapers. A significant number of 20-something and
30-something women spend all of their disposable income on luxury rental
apartments, upscale restaurants, frequent exotic vacations, leased cars, spa
treatments, and excessive amounts of clothing, purses, shoes and
accessories. Yet
ironically, in the media, men are the ones who are portrayed as reckless,
irresponsible spendthrifts.
When marriage enters the picture, double standards and financial imbalances
leave responsible men to pick up the slack and fix the mess she may have made
of her finances. Men are forced to spend their hard-earned savings, or
take out an usurious loan, on a diamond ring. Women justify this
relatively recent, mid-20th Century ritual, which was spawned
by a brilliant 1940's mass-brainwashing campaign launched by DeBeers, by
insisting that a man wants to buy her a diamond and that it makes
him proud to be able to proclaim his love and affection towards her in this
fashion. Granted there are some men who may be inclined to declare
their commitment to a life-long partner in this way, but there are plenty of
men whom seek a lifelong partnership and commitment who have no interest in
buying diamonds. What choice do these men have? None! To
many young men, the ring, catered wedding, and honeymoon in an exotic
locale at a five-star hotel is an unwelcome land mine on their journey
towards adult financial stability and independence. To add insult to injury,
he is now locked into a lifetime of insurance payments for this grossly
overpriced jewelry. Contrary
to popularly held belief diamonds are not rare at all, but instead are common
and inexpensive. Their high price is due to their supply having been
artificially manipulated. Some men are more concerned with
realising their dream of owning a home and becoming financially stable enough
to begin a family and responsibly provide for their welfare. Men worry
about these matters, because, ultimately, it becomes their sole
responsibility.
The purchase of the diamond ring is a predictor of things to come.
Immediately after buying it, the man may be rewarded with bridal demands
to finance all or part of a lavish wedding, depending upon the size of his
bank account and the ambitions of his fiancée. The average costs of
today's Western Weddings frequently exceed that of a house down payment or,
in certain parts of the world, the entire cost of the house itself. If
a man enters a marriage having saved up a down payment for his dream home, it
can suddenly be snatched right out from underneath him. Many men
may object to spending such a large sum of money on what is basically a very
expensive one-day, four-hour party. He also will be spending a year of
his life planning it, when he could use the same time to further his
career or education. However, what a man wants is really not of any
concern anymore at this point in the proceedings. His wants, desires,
hopes and dreams are ignored almost in their entirety. Her opinions
regarding the wedding are frequently non-negotiable. A wedding is no longer
an event that is equally for the bride and groom. As many of today's
Bridezilla’s will gleefully remind you, "Today is MY day!".
This gives her licence to become selfish, irresponsible, demanding and
childlike. A man who balks at spending his entire life savings, or
shouldering a five-figure debt load, for the ring, catered wedding and
honeymoon in an exotic locale at a five-star hotel, can and will be labeled
as a selfish cheapskate or not a "Real Man". If a woman
leaves such a man for him suggesting that they try to keep their costs under
control, she would have the full support of everyone around her as she dumped
him.
"She can do better", "Clearly, he doesn't love
her", “He doesn’t deserve her”, and similar sentiments will be muttered
in quiet circles just out of his earshot. This is a sign of her good
self-esteem and healthy self-image, and a sign that she won't settle for
anything less. She is the poster girl for the Modern, Independent
Woman.
Imagine if a man demanded equal treatment and asked that she buy him a new
bass boat, and a two-week bear hunt in Siberia
as a condition of marriage. This would be viewed as absurd, yet women
do it every day. Modern Western Marriage is supposedly an equal
partnership, isn’t it?
The injustices go from bad to worse
when children enter the picture. If he can afford to carry the entire
familial financial burden, the woman may now elect to stop working
entirely. She will often make this decision regardless of how he may
feel about it. The day she stops working is the day that all of her
past financial baggage unequivocally gets tossed onto his shoulders. If
the woman has racked up substantial credit card debts, these are now his
payments to make; if the woman has not bothered to pay off her student loans,
these become his responsibility; if she owes an enormous sum on her luxury
car note, it is up to him to pay it off. Irony of ironies is that he is
now paying for her degree and she isn’t even working anymore! Can he
object? Can he say: "No Honey, you made your mess, and it should
not be my job to clean it up. You knew that you wanted kids even before you
met me, and you should have planned ahead." No, he cannot.
The payments can't be deferred until she is once again able to continue
repaying them herself, not
if he wants to retain a clean credit rating to get a loan for their dream
home. If he even suggested that she return to work to pay off
some of her own debt load, he opens himself to criticisms of being an
unsupportive husband and bad father who is endangering the welfare of his
children. Now the noose tightens and the responsible husband
compensates for the mother’s freewheeling and irresponsible past, and begins
slowly to pay off her old debts. In the most twisted turn of events
yet, the debt he is paying off may often be on credit cards used to finance
Vacations, Hotel Rooms and Christmas gifts shared with previous husbands,
boyfriends, fiancés and lovers. Caveat Emptor! This is the
reward for today's man who works hard, makes sacrifices, plans ahead, and
invests wisely. By getting married to the typical Modern, Western
Woman, the man is certainly susceptible to being railroaded into this
situation, because it is completely acceptable within today's gender roles
and societal norms.
Marriage
can mean career slavery
Anyone who says, "Slavery is dead" clearly has not contemplated
the predicament of the average Western Husband, where a good paycheck can mean career slavery. Merriam-Webster's
English Dictionary defines slavery as "…(T)he state of a person who is a
chattel (an item of tangible movable or immovable property) of another
person." If the husband earns enough to support both of them, he
would be hard pressed to make an argument to preserve equality and have her
continue working as he does. If the wife decides to stop working, the
man who has been left holding the financial bag finds his options very
limited. He may find himself working in a career that he hates, for
abusive and exploitative management, excessively long hours, in a position that
is physically dangerous or demanding, in an organisation that has no growth
potential, far away from home. At this point, considering the corner
he's been painted into, he is often powerless to affect any positive,
meaningful change in his own life. He may have been harbouring
delusions that once his wife was able to return to work, he would be able to
gain some flexibility to rectify some of the shortcomings in his own
career. Perhaps changing careers or accepting a lower salary at a
different firm in exchange for better hours, a shorter commute, or more
fulfilling work. Nevertheless, the distinct reality is that he will
continue to shoulder the financial responsibilities of his family alone.
His reward for working hard and getting ahead is to become trapped into
his career, and become a specialised beast of burden to an emotionally and
financially dependent family. Does it really pay to work hard anymore and
apply oneself to his full potential?
If she stops working, she
may never work again.
There are many debates about the merits of a stay-at-home mother vs. a
working mother. My goal here is to simply educate the prospective
husband on frequently unseen risks he is taking on when he agrees to accept
100% of the financial burden to allow his wife to stay at home. An
informed decision is less likely to be one that may be regretted later in the
marriage.
Every parent will agree that staying home with children is backbreaking
and often mind-numbing labour. Many new fathers may concede that it is much
easier to go to work than to stay at home with several children.
However, the greatest imbalance in efforts and contributions to a
marriage can manifest once all of the children are of school age. The
house is now empty from 8am-3pm. The wife has 7 hours to herself while
the kids are at school and the husband is at work. After a few years of
hard work at home, many wives may feel entitled to "kick back" and
take it easy. The good, supportive husband, however, has worked those
same years, has
done his 50/50 of the housework, and is still working just as hard to
support the family once the kids are in school. His workload has not
diminished, and it may have even increased as her expectations rise. He
is rarely afforded the same option to scale back his daytime efforts.
What motivation does the modern wife have to return to work? Very
little. For several years now, the man's salary has been enough to live
on. Otherwise, she would have been working to make ends meet.
Unless tight finances dictate that she must return to work, the husband
really has little say in this matter. The wife can hide behind many different
excuses in order not to work, despite having little to do from 8am-3pm.
Among the commonest are:
"I'm busy with the housework"
It is easy to exaggerate the labours of daily housework. Yet how long
does it take to throw clothes or dishes into the washer, and remove them
later? Vacuuming can be done in 1 hour a week. Grocery shopping
is another hour per week. A decent meal can be prepared in under an
hour. Does all of this add up to 7 hours a day? The lie that housework
is hard, time-consuming drudgery is no longer as persuasive as it may have
been in the past, because in an age of later marriage, many men are already
experienced in cooking, cleaning, and general housekeeping and know that it
doesn’t take that much effort or time. Humourously, not every
stay-at-home-wife even performs all of these duties.
"I can't find a job"
She has been out of work too long, and therefore is unable to find a job.
This may be true, but many men do not consider this risk when they
agree to support her while she "temporarily" stops working.
Hopefully now they will, and can make a more informed decision. Many
wives may use this as a convenient scapegoat to stop looking for any job at
all. The next section describes how this can be used against him in the
event of divorce.
"It doesn't pay for me to work"
In the short run, the expenses of returning to work such as gas, lunch,
clothes and day care may not make it worthwhile for her to return to the
workforce. This may be true, but does that justify her playing tennis,
drinking lattes and ‘catching up with her friends’ while her husband toils
away? Many couples may be too shortsighted to thoroughly and
comprehensively think through this issue. Initially, the cost
to benefits ratio may not be ideal, but her returning to work will
improve her job skills and network of contacts and over time the return on investment
will improve. More so than strolling through the local mall every
afternoon and window-shopping for new window treatments. Over time, as
her career gets back on track, and she becomes qualified for better jobs, her
salary should also improve.
It should be duly noted that some working wives view their salary as
"personal spending money", and still expect the man to pay all or
most of the bills. Western Women are often heard to claim that, “What's
mine is mine, and what's his is ours.”
Even more unfair double standards
that favour wives
Cheating
If a married man cheats, he's the scum of the earth. He is a selfish
jerk that has jeopardised the family unit, done his ‘thinking with his little
head’, and disrespected his wife and children. However,
when the woman cheats, she's portrayed as the victim of an insensitive and
inattentive husband. “Poor thing, he ignores her. It is for
her empowerment, to boost her ego. She deserves it after bearing and rearing
his children.” It’s good for her self-esteem. Worse, her cheating
is portrayed as the man's fault. If he works long hours to provide for
her and the children, he works too much. If he is tired at the end of
the day from 13 hours of manual labour, then he doesn't compliment her as
much as she wants. Into this vacuum of conflicting expectations steps
the first man who “makes me feel like a Real Woman again…”. You read
that correctly; the man who is scrambling to pay the mortgage and car
payments and is working double shifts to pay for the consumer goods she
demanded to have is now considered a negligent and emotionally abusive
husband. The man who may be working two jobs to allow her to be home with her
kids is now considered a candidate for Domestic Violence.
When a woman cheats, the first thing people ask is what he did, or more
often, didn't do, to drive her into the arms of another man.
When a man cheats, no one ever asks the same question.
When a woman cheats, the reaction will be; "Oh, poor thing, I guess
her husband couldn’t get the job done in the bedroom".
When a man cheats, no one ever stops to
think; "Oh poor fellow, his wife was horrible in bed."
Let’s not forget what happens if a man were to leave his wife for a
younger woman. This will become fodder at the coffee shop for
months. It is automatically assumed that he is a shallow sex maniac
whose only motivation was to be with a younger woman. The
possibility that his wife was of a generation of women who were taught to
hate men and that younger women do not, that she was lazy, or a reckless
spendthrift, or verbally or physically abusive, or grossly overweight, or an
incompetent mother, are rarely considered and are often totally ignored.
The myth is that the only reason a man leaves his wife is to be with a
younger, more attractive woman. Never mind if she is a better match for
him and a more supportive, nurturing mate.
Pre-Nups
If a man insists on a Pre-Nup, he is selfish and unromantic. However,
when is the last time a woman who demanded a Pre-Nup was called
"unromantic"? On the contrary, if a woman requests a Pre-Nup,
she is being fiscally responsible, sensible and looking out for herself.
(Note: If your fiancée refuses to sign a Pre-Nup, she has just shown her
hand. Best to leave now.) Why is it that a woman can refuse a
Pre-Nup, and it is accepted by society? In reality, the man should be
outraged that she is after a legal contract, and not love.
What is astounding is the hypocrisy of the usual reaction towards
Pre-Nups. Women can conveniently assert that a man is unromantic if he
suggests a Pre-Nup. After all, how can a man pollute true love with the
signing of legal paperwork! However, what is a marriage licence?
Nothing more than a legal contract entered into between the man, woman and
local and state government authorities. A woman does not seem to balk
at signing this legal paperwork, which entitles her to at least half
the assets a man has accumulated as well as half of everything he earns in
the future, and obligates him to support her in perpetuity in the event of a
breakup. Why aren't men allowed to note how unromantic this contract
is? The distraction of bridal magazines, place setting selection,
floral arrangements, wedding dresses, receptions, wedding showers, and
honeymoons have clouded the legal reality of what men are getting themselves
into. Marriage is as much an unromantic legal contract as a
prenuptial agreement is.
Initially,
Pre-Nups were devised as a way to protect women. Nuptial
agreements were popularised in the 19th century, mostly to protect heiresses
from marrying men who were "out for their money". Until the
Married Women's Property Act of 1848, under English Common Law, a woman's
property, upon marriage, was usually transferred to her husband.
"Stupid, Irresponsible" Men
Men are severely abused in our media, quite frankly. Just watch any TV
commercial or sitcom and see how they portray men as idiots, dolts, or
well intentioned, if bumbling, buffoons. If women were portrayed in commercials
in the same fashion, “Women’s Organisations” would have a fit. If it
weren’t for their wives in these shows and ads the men would be lost
"animals", unable to feed themselves or perform even the simplest
of tasks. Other commercials make it appear that men act without
thinking, only responding in an impulsive and irrational manner, and that the
wife is the brains of the family. Even many women will agree that women
often are the ones who act upon emotions and make judgments solely based up
on emotional attachments and not logic or reason. Almost every "couples
budgeting" article will portray the woman as the one who has to rein in
the man's childish spending, when in truth it is usually the woman who cannot
control her expenditures.
Job Loss
If a husband loses his job and is having trouble finding work, the wife is
completely and totally justified in threatening to leave him. However,
can you imagine the reaction if a husband threatened to leave a wife who was
in the exact same position? He would be vilified! If a man loses
his job, the woman is justified in resenting the fact that the financial
burden lies on her. He is no longer a ‘good provider’. When is a
man allowed to resent this very same predicament? If a man is laid off
and cares for the household and kids while the wife is working, he may be
accused of not pulling his weight! Yet this is exactly the same
situation that women demand more recognition for with each passing
year! No matter what role the man plays, he loses!
Traditional Roles
It is perfectly acceptable for a woman to demand that a man make a certain
salary, drive a certain car, live in a certain part of the city, have a
certain job, have the 'right' manners, talk a certain way, walk a certain
way, behave a certain way, have a degree from the 'right' University and
dress in a stylish fashion, to be deemed "marriage material" and be
able to provide her with the stability she feels she deserves. If a man
demands his wife do the cooking and cleaning, he can now be labeled old
fashioned and sexist. If he asks her to carry her weight financially, just as
he does, he may be criticised as an inadequate provider. If a man insists
that his wife honor the conjugal requirements of the marriage contract, he
can and will be accused of sexual abuse, sexual assault or rape.
To add insult to injury, some women have gotten so pampered that they not
only quit their jobs the day they find out they are pregnant, but they then
go out and hire as many nannies, cooks, gardeners and pool boys as their
husband can afford. Many
Western Wives stay at home and hire someone else to rear the kids and clean up, while they drink
lattes and go shopping all day with other pampered "stay-at-home"
mothers. Does it pay to work hard and get ahead anymore, if this is
how your hard-earned money is squandered?
The concept of the pampered wife is a relatively new one. Most of Western
Civilisation was primarily an agricultural economy even up until the 1920's
and 1930’s. Western Wives contributed to the well being of the
household by helping on the farm. A man needed a wife as an equal
partner. It was not until the 1950's that the first generation of
Western Wives, first in The States and later in Europe, Australia
and New Zealand,
began to emerge as dead weight. Perhaps this coincides with the spiking of
the divorce rate in The States, and later Europe
and the other English Speaking Nations, and the rise of Feminism.
Perhaps men have become tired of giving so much, while getting so
little in exchange.
Divorce
"I won't grow old alone"
Not necessarily. A marriage can self-destruct at any time. Your partner
may initiate divorce at age 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65 or 70.
Many married people end up in the same position (alone) as if they had never
married at all. Now they enter their twilight years broke, as a
result of being stripped of half or more of their life's assets, losing half
their retirement and pension funds, and being assessed alimony payments.
Experiencing financial devastation from one divorce often may preclude
a man from ever marrying again. This is a common observation of many
middle-aged Western Women. Q: "Where are all the men?". A:
"He is broke from the divorce settlement, alimony and child support
payments." Thus these women don't find him marriable, and he grows
old alone and poor.
Men are led to believe that not marrying implies
only one destiny; that of a solitary monk in a cave, a shunned loner.
However, life is not so black and white. Not marrying does not
mean you cannot continue to date or have meaningful relationships throughout
your life. There are plenty of single people in all age brackets. A bad
marriage can be the loneliest of institutions, because most of your emotional
outlet and companionship is concentrated into one person who gives
back nothing in emotion, affection or support. Young men in their
20's and 30's should be more aware of the alternatives that exist in
life. They should be aware that marriage is a choice, and is not the
only path life has to offer. An informed decision is less likely to be
one that is later regretted.
"I'll get regular sex"
Not from Modern, Western Women. Access to regular sex is the oldest
and the most frequently cited reason to marry. Many
men now know that Modern, Western Women frequently stop having sex after just
a short time of being married. There are plenty of
"sexless" marriages. Talk to a few married couples that are
honest about their relationship. One or both partners may stop wanting sex
after kids, or the sex may be as infrequent as once a year or once every six
months, or the wife may only have sex when she wants the husband to buy her
something, take her somewhere, or remodel the house. Read
the honest opinions of married men on the Internet. Most Western,
Married Men will have more sex with their Western Wives in the first six
months of their marriage than they will in the next 40 years.
Lastly, it remains to be seen whether sex with one exclusive partner for
forty years or more is even a natural act, or just a man-made
convention. In many Western Nations, the wife is no longer required to
have sex with her husband. She can deny him at any time, for any length of
time. She can, if she wishes, deny him sex forever and there
is nothing that he can do about it.. In fact, if he inisists that
she honor her end of the marriage contract by being available for sexual
relations, he can and will be accused of, charged with, and arrested
for Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault or Rape.
Marriage is hardly a guarantee of regular sex, as many people are led
to believe.
"I'll have someone to cook and clean for me"
Not necessarily. While a Modern, Western Woman is perfectly justified in
quitting her job in the name of staying home with the kids, she can also
demand that the husband pay for a cook, a maid, and a nanny. This leaves the
man to earn the money, and leaves him to pay for maintenance of household and
children, while the wife gets to play at being a housekeeper. Today's
woman is empowered by not performing the traditional housewife
duties, regardless of whether she is working or not. If a husband asks
that his wife perform traditional household duties because she is not
working, he will often be labeled sexist, abusive or controlling, even if he
is doing his "traditional role" of paying all the bills, providing
for his family, and performing the traditional manly duties of vehicle
repairs, maintaining the lawn and house upkeep.
"I have to be married to have kids"
Not anymore. Her ovaries do not physically need a contract at the
government center in order to be fertilised by your sperm. Cro-Magnon man had
children long before lawyers invented marriage contracts. Often, you do not
need to be married in order to share health benefits. You do not need
to be married to designate your partner on a life insurance policy. You
do not need to be married to own a dream home together. It is ironic
that responsible parents who raise a healthy family, but never actually sign
marriage paperwork, get less respect than divorced parents or married parents
who are ineffective, inattentive or incompetent.
-Having a lifelong, faithful, committed relationship has nothing to do
with being "married".
-Owning a beautiful dream home together has nothing to do with being
"married".
-Rearing healthy, happy, and successful children has nothing to do with being
"married".
-Building a family and life together has nothing to do with being
"married".
-Growing old together has nothing to do with being "married".
In fact, recent changes in cohabitation, partner and marriage law have
proven that the only tangible consequence of marriage is having a formalised
separation process that usually requires the talents of an attorney.
You do need to be married in order to throw an extravagant four-hour party,
and share the same last name.
You do need to be married in order to involve the state and government
in your romantic affairs.
You do need to be married in order give away half of everything you
own.
Besides that, marriage does nothing more than introduce lawyers and
social workers into your life. These are people that otherwise
would have nothing to do with your life or your relationship.
Men need to stop and ask themselves:
"Why exactly am I getting married? What exactly does
marriage mean to me in today's world? What is the benefit to me to get
married?"
It is no longer a lifelong commitment, because it can be reversed
overnight on her unilateral whim.
Marriage was originally created as a way for families to merge
land, property, political power and influence; perhaps people should return
to viewing it as just that and nothing more. The rest of it is fake
modern TV Fantasy and Tabloid Gossip and Hype polluting the minds of
today's impressionable youth, and a way to keep the
multi-billion-per-year wedding industry chugging along. Perhaps
the only criteria should be to ask oneself: "How excited am I for us to
merge our finances and assets?" When all the fluff and hype are
boiled away, that may be the only remaining reality. Spend a day in
divorce court, and you'll see exactly what is real and tangible and lasting
about marriage. You'll see women who signed the marriage contract under
romantic pretenses who are now expert laymen attorneys who can cite case law.
Bouquet throwing ex-brides now embroiled in warfare to get everything
that is coming to them and more! The rest are myths, lies, bold
unsubstantiated promises, and maybes. "For better or for
worse..."
The
Western Divorce rate is 43%. It is higher in some parts of the
world such as California,
Great Britain and Australia. In
Japan the recent change in pension law may have many pensioners out on the
street. In
India new changes to dowry law have men being threatened by their wives.
Consider the number of people who are in a bad marriage, but elect to
stay; Men
who don't want to lose 50%, women who know they can't support
themselves alone. Next, think of how many more couples stay together
just for the sake of the kids. Of these "forced marriages",
consider how many of these marriages involve infidelity, no sex, or sleeping in
separate beds or separate rooms. I estimate the percentage of happy and
monogamous marriages to be under 5%. Are these odds you would take in a
business venture, investment or loan? Most of the risk-averse
population would not. Yet they seek this exception to the rule everyday
through marriage.
Message
Boards
|